8/11

One day there was a girl who cried tears of pearls and her eyes were blue and green like none i've ever seen and she met a man that night who filled her with delight and he spoke in poetry and rhyme and she loved him in all time. but he changed and then soon he became jealous of her beauty and fame and he locked her away and he forced her to play songs that were blue, songs that were grey. so then this lonely girl had had enough of her world so she climbed to the top of the tallest tower and stood there for way over an hour until she decided she'd jump, so she jumped with a very loud thump and all the neighbours, they came out and cried when they discovered that this poor girl had died and a boy he just stood there and gasped, at this beauty asleep on the grass, her eyes were like none he had seen except for the girls in his dreams. then he changed and then soon he became depressed and very very strange, he'd lock himself away for days and days and play songs that were blue, and play songs that were grey, play songs that reminded him of that day. one day there was a girl who fell in love with a boy in a different world she speaks to him at night, only in a certain light. she wore white when he wore black and they were like a perfect match and though one was dead and one was alive through many years their love did survive, till time faded and soon they became both exactly the same, they both are floating in the sky singing their own lullaby of a song that reminds them of all the past time, a song that reminds them of all the passed days, a song that is blue, a song that is grey.

3/11 Thoughts. Rambling.

Walking home today I realised I'm not quite as fond of routine as I once was.
I want to do something different.
Something fun, something new.
I want to move foward and learn how to look back without feeling sick,
without missing everything I was.
All the traits I've lost.
I don't want to do the same thing everyday.
I want to do something different with each sunrise.
It doesn't matter that I won't develop any skills,
because what are skills?
Society's way of catergorising people into Useful and Useless?
I'm okay with being labeled useless.
I want to be able to help where I can, and stare clear of things I don't like.
I don't want to vote. I want to live in a meadow and sleep under the stars.
I want to rise with the sun and live days the way I want. Not the way I feel I should.
We went wrong somewhere. We have twisted concepts,
What the hell are zoos? Prisons for the innocent? I like seeing animals, but I feel guilty for supporting the business. Recreating their environment is not enough when they only have 100 square metres. "it's the best we can do" is a lie. Because we could let them be free.
We've even managed to trap ourselves. We're going to be lost when something happens to technology- imagine living without any power, people will freak, get angry and probably kill eachother playing the blame game.
I don't like that people who have survived fighting in wars are called 'war heroes'. We don't call other murderers heroes. I think the more fitting name is 'survivor' because that's what they did.
I'm not angry at them, a lot of them were forced to fight. Morally they were doing what was right for their country.
But what about what's right for the human race, we're killing eachother?
And what about all living things on Earth.
We should be helping eachother, because we're a planet so small in such a large universe.
I have no fight in me, I can't imagine anything I'd be willing to kill for.
In the words of Gandhi "There are many causes that I am prepared to die for but no cause that I am prepared to kill for."
Maybe I had to be there
Maybe I'll have to go to hell and back before I'll know what went through their heads.
What goes through people's heads still.
Plotting invasions? Terrorism?
What would you be willing to kill for?

3/11

She hates the sound that goodbyes make. She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference, between the lies and compliments. It's all the same if everybody leaves her. And every magazine tells her she's not good enough, the pictures that she's seen make her cry. And she would change everything, just ask her. Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster, And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant, afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction. She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong.

Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired. She would change everything for happy ever after. Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster, but she just needs someone to take her home. 'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's okay. And she would change everything, just ask her. Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

24/10 Thoughts

counting down from 100
what am i counting down to?

i like dreams.
i like imagining things that won't happen.
sometimes more than reality.
it's probably why i love books.
i'm half way through four different ones at the moment.

i just watched the newish Star Trek movie.
i don't understand how there could have been an alternate reality when Nero and Spock were always going to get pulled into the black hole, so Nero was always going to get revenge.
How was there a future that existed where Kirk's dad was alive? What changed? ;c
What was the other path?
Please. ):

20/10

I think i'll elaborate, because that last post has made me think about all the things i can't stand.
maybe getting it off my chest will help.

tapping spoons against bowls/plates.
cutlery being dropped into the cutlery drawer.
people nose whistling when they breathe.
scuffing shoes.
cutting nails with nail clippers.
sneezing.


eating;
people taking abrupt bites of crunchy food.
people chewing with excessive spit in their mouth, or just juicy food.
people chewing slowly to try be quiet, when it's not.
swallowing.


that's all i can think of at the moment.

Misophonia

i'm not alone. aha.

i'm counting down
it'll take me a while to realise there's nothing i'm waiting for.
nothing i'm looking foward to.
counting down is just a way to reassure myself that i'm moving foward.
i'm sick of being frozen in time.
it's like walking in a straight line
but you can't see any progress
because to either side of you there's an on going white wall
beneath your feet there's nothing but murky tiles,
and high above you there's a never ending pitch black sky.
no progress, just wasted energy.
so i'll stop now, and i'll find a way around this.
i'll climb those sky high walls.
and i'll get out of here.
take my hand,
i'll miss you if i go alone.

15/10 If you ever said you miss me, dont say you never lied.

Whatever poison's in this bottle will leave me broken, sore and stiff.
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at.
He owes me one last wish.
So here's a present to let you know I still exist.
I hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips.

12/10

when I was little my sister used to record me on her tape player declaring my love for Stephen Gately of Boyzone. He was my favourite.

I'm devastated.

R.I.P Stephen :l

6/10

do you know what i love?

being bored, being bored and typing things into the web address thing

www.iamawesome.com
www.iamarobot.co.uk
www.imaninja.com


:D

4/10

Saw the girl I know from my job, I think that she must think that I'm retarded. I act so dumb when I get started. Time to cut my hair and get it parted. And we go, but they don't know us. Goes to show we're not the same. Keep it in, 'cause they don't know this. Let it out, but not today.

observations

count to 10 three times, let it go.
septembers almost over.
it went fast.

you will understand
you won't understand
its the point sometimes

you're tuning in and out of the radio frequencies, you're stomping on my daisies, and i look to smiles for reassurance.
you remind me of a ring half covered in soil and forgotten - sometimes you're.. are (you) right by me, kana?
you wouldn't make it far in the military, and that's making me green, where's the envy?
i'm encoded, and you selectively forget the combination.
but i'm happy, cause it's only sometimes (:

22/9 Equinox

i almost got hit by a car last week. my life did not flash before my eyes.

i don't go out a lot. i talk to/debate with myself out loud. i can't sing, i can't dance. i forget to breathe on occasion. i have short fingernails. i confuse people. i don't get straight to any point. i like routine. i daydream a lot. i don't know what i'll do with the rest of my life. i like making people happy. i can hardly ever bring myself to say things i know will bother others. i used to be smart. i don't think my brain has developed since year 8. i'm constantly tired. i wish everyone would just love everyone else and we could live.
i'd really like to live
all the time
cause this is life.
sunday was life. that's my life. that's what i want my days to be like, that's how i want to live them.



equinox today (:

every day trying to make up for the one before, climb three flights to tremble at the sight of your already open door, the frustration I see when I tell you I like some company, breaks my heart, how can you be so impartial? and I've made myself the fool who's fallen for you so let me down softly this time and I wont have to come back crying I've just made myself look bad and you're the one who should be feeling bad. it'd be better to forget you but I don't really want to. energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it, you don't deserve it, but I wish you did 'cause I can't live without this, and I'll remember you as the second or two. artists I knew who decided to screw me over cause it's the bolder thing to do.

27/8

"It probably saw or heard something that made it pay attention."

i love averagecats.com

26/8

interesting how fast time passes
its interesting how soon writing this will be in my past
how these words will soon be followed by more that im yet to think of.
words i hadn't anticipated
theres no need to fear the future
because if you think about it, it's basically already the past.

24/8

i agree with the decision to allow Al Megrahi to go home, and be with his family to die.
in my opinion, so long as he's not plotting more people's deaths, i believe he has every right to be in the company of the people he cares about.
people tell me i wouldn't think that if he killed someone i knew.
but really, although i would be devastated and would never forgive him, and would be terrified of him killing more people, it's my belief, it's the core of who i am, to not want revenge, or "justice"

i just don't see how making him die in prison helps the families that lost someone.

14/8

i try to tolerate everyone. i really do.

i try to accept peoples opinions and actions

but when someone shouts abuse at someone they don't know - for a reason not even remotely plausable, it really ticks me off.

i don't want to hear you telling him he's an 'ugly ginga'

i don't want you to tell her she's 'fucking fat and might as well be dead'

i dont want people to be so cruel.

i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllly don't understand any of it.

and when i'm on the bus going home, and the person next to me starts yelling insults out the window at someone, they don't know, walking down the street, i'm not just going to sit there.

she might think i'm an uptight bitch, but to be honest, i don't care.

i wasn't mean.

i asked her if she knew the person, then asked what she'd feel like if a stranger told her she was a dirty fuck and to go back to her own country.

she pulled a face and shrugged it off. but she stopped abusing people.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i may or may not have made her feel guilty.

but that boy was beautiful, and happy.

he was happy until she got to him.

i don't want revenge/ justice. i want understanding.

please.

i could write something profound.
something that would make you think about your life, and all the things you've done wrong.
i could write something to make you regret your choices.
but what does it accomplish?





don't regret the choices you've made in the past, because at the time, it was what you wanted.
it made you happy. if those choices make you ashamed today, don't make them tomorrow, but don't hate yesterday.

OH HOWIE.

The dawn is breaking. A light shining through. You're barely waking, and I'm tangled up in you. Yeah, I'm open, you're closed. I follow, you'll go. I worry I won't see your face light up again. Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I collide. I'm quiet you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind. Even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine. Out of the back you fall in time, I somehow find you and I collide. Don't stop here, I lost my place, I'm close behind. Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills your mind you finally find you and I collide.

smile.

gavin degraw - belief
beautiful.

everything is good.
it doesn't matter that im falling behind in everything
and it doesn't matter that everyone expects that i'll magically be able to catch up
because maybe i will
have hope
have ideas
have love
i love my bestfriend
i love my family
i love company
and being alone.
alone, not lonely.
i love the sky, and that it's out of our reach
i love the earth, and that it keeps me grounded.
i love acoustic songs
and seeing people who love eachother.
i love generosity, and compassion.
i love smiles that reach eyes.
i love seeing people that are happy.
and witnessing someone be cheered up.
i love people who want to help.
i love honest, true, pure love.

the cartilage that holds my ribs to my sternum is inflamed.
apparently it takes about 6months to 1year to go away :l

i like the scene aesthetic.
they are sweet.

it's half past one in the morning. i'm tired.
but i'm not in bed?

going to see a scary movie tomorr...today.
it's not a good idea.

i wonder how many people see me when i don't see them,
'cause i have my light on and the curtains open, the street is dark.

i'm unmotivated, and i can't imagine my future.
but i plan. and don't plan. it's a paradox.

i want to travel to svalbard, chile, canada, south africa.
i want to go to peru and visit machu picchu


i'm going to bed.
i will dream before i sleep.

the scene aesthetic.

august.
eight.
rua.
thousand.
neuf.
1.23am
it's early
it's late
it's new.
it's old.
it's a start.
but it's not the end.

hear me.

you.
you go blank
i try to talk to you,
try ask you questions,
and you go blank
you ignore me,
but it's like you never heard me
its like im not there
and it doesnt make me angry
it makes me sad

opossum

i was told recently that i was mean because i compared a person to a possum.
thing is, i was saying i wouldn't kill a possum.
and the guy telling me i was cruel was saying he would happily.

i believe that humans are equal to possums,
which are equal to sheep,
which are equal to fish.
i believe every living thing should be equally respected.
i said the possoms life was just as important as the girl's sitting next to me.
he laughed and said that meant i wouldn't give a shit if she died.
he knew i was a vegetarian,
so i presume he realised there was method to my 'madness', and it made him uncomfortable.

i dont want anyone to think i'm a murderer or i'm contemplating genocide, because that's something i'd never do,
but i don't have an overwhelming urge to save the human race by killing off other species.
i don't think we should kill possums to save native trees.
i don't think native trees are more important than introduced ones.
or endangered animals have any greater right to life than a common animal.
i can see people's point of view when they say that sort of thing.
but every time i try and explain mine, no one listens.

i think you've missed the point,
and i think i love you for it.


it's interesting that i manage to generate the most free time when i have something i should be doing.
should? should i be doing anything? is there anything i should do?
words. they come with strings attached. meanings. but everything would remain without them
everything would still exist. beauty, hate, guilt, pleasure.
the room i'm in is messy. but what is mess? it's things.
it's my things. it's my clothes, my apple, my keyboard, my sisters laptop, my mums slippers and my dads glasses.
but what are they really if they're not a part of me? a part of you?
everything and everyone is interchangable, however everyone's unique.
a paradox. i sometimes wonder if i myself am a paradox. but if everything is a contradiction how does anything ever get done?
'less haste, more speed.' they say his life was all a lie. but he was alive and how could that be untrue?
how could anything be untrue? even the lies people tell us give us some understanding of who that person is.
people keep things from us, it's not a lie, but it's not the truth. it's uncertainty.
and what is uncertainty if not bravery?

i know what you're thinking, and i'm thinking it too. my train of thought has taken a detour and ended up in the clouds.
but that's okay. because im not wrong. no ones wrong, and no ones right. or am i, and are they?

i know im not a superstar
but who knows what im going to see
or if you will remember me.

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

i want you to know that i'll keep your secrets
i want you to feel like if everything turns to shit, and you need someone you know, but you're not too close to, to support you, that im here
if you need someone that you're not going to have to look at everyday, knowing they think of you differently after seeing you cry, im here
i want to help
i want people to be happy.
i want animals to be happy
is it possible?
i hope it's possible.
please let me be what you need. no judgement, just there.
we dont have to talk, but if you need someone to hold, to know that things still exist, that people are still there for you, im here.

I'M PUMPED, CARINA.
ahaha.

Memory

I'm thinking, i'm thinking about the past.
and i'm remembering. i remember people.
People i used to talk to so often, people i considered friends
People i'd forgotton, people i don't think of anymore.
There was no abrupt end, no fight, we just drifted.
I dislike that. That sort of end begs questions, what if's.
What if we'd kept in contact? what if we were still friends now?
I remember someone i used to think of as one of my best friends.
I don't even remember when i stopped talking to him
I didn't think ' i dont want to talk to you anymore, i don't like you'
we just never got round to having another conversation.
that's sad,
and i miss everyone.
i was on a bus afew months back, i'm not sure if i ever talked about this.
but there were four or five people from my primary on the bus, all my age.
we were all in the same class. but now we're like strangers.
and i wondered. i wondered what if this whole bus was filled with just people from queenspark?
what if everyone from my year eight class were on this bus?
would anyone talk to anyone? would anyone acknowledge the situation.
i remember thinking probably not.
i wasn't friends with many of them, but i miss them.
all.

Yesterday

yesterday was bad.

i had someone tell me how excited they were to go duck shooting after school.
then someone told me i should eat more red meat, cause 'it tastes good, and who cares about the cows'
then my english teacher tried councelling me after class last period about my seminar, and i had a cry.
then i had to get the bus, and someone asked me if i was okay,
then they came and sat next to me, and i had another cry.
it was a bit too emotional. who the hell cries at school? i don't like that.

am i becoming negative or positve?
are these feelings going to make my life more exciting, and less stressful,
or will they make me more reclusive, and pessimistic?

time

feeling... old.
im only sixteen.
a boy called me ma'am the other day :/

at what age does one stop being a girl/boy and start being a woman/man?
- or in this case, ma'am ;-;

you can never think too much.

thinking too much.

i need something.
everyone has a hook. something that makes them matter. something interesting.
i have nothing.
i am nothing, and i want to be something.
i don't want people to know me, i just want to know people.
i want to know your secrets, and i want you to know i won't share them with anyone.
i want people to want to know me, i want to be interesting enough to have people think, 'wow, who's that?'

i dont want to do things that make me unhappy.
i had a revelation. i think you should think about it.
why do you do things that make you unhappy, and what you get out of it, is nowhere near being good enough?
why do it? when there's nothing to gain.

-my seminar, i don't think i'll do it. i don't like public speaking, so getting up infront of a class and trying to teach/speak to them seems stupid.
pro's and cons
con's - embarrassment, stress.
pro's -
it's only three credits, there's nothing to gain from doing it.
this is my life.

my life

i'm not building myself into a person with alot of education behind me, so i can start my life
this is my life.

why would i do things that make me unhappy.
i dont want to be unhappy.

i don't want to die happy.
i want to live happy.

I thought by now I could have figured it all out,
instead I'm further back, it feels kinda stupid.


i hate cussing


For all the times I've tried to take a little time out for myself,
I'm just growing all alone again
But I find in my mind that I'm not
Time is running out and I just want to say I'm sorry now,
Before I'm all alone again, and I'm broken and cold.

selfish.

why do we kill things that we're afraid of/annoyed by?
i will not use flyspray.

we're only looking out for ourselves.
'improving the world' it's the wrong term.
'improving human conditions' perhaps is more fitting.
we've locked everything up in cages, and we don't look back.
fuck them, fuck everything else that wants to be happy.
we're happy, we're safe. that's all that matters, right?
and we're keeping endangered species alive, right?
who cares if they're living in dark, unnatural conditions.
they're alive, who gives a shit if they're miserable.
we're doing our best, right?




wrong.

previous blog continued i guess. + other things.

i don't really understand 'justice' either.
it's sort of the same as revenge.
that counts for people imprisoned too.
i think the purpose of a jail/prison, should be to keep people who are harmful to society/people in general, in a safe environment where they can't hurt others, if anything.
not where they get punished for what they've done.

on a lighter note, my hands are very soft at the moment.

?

I don't understand revenge, if someone hurts you, hurting them back doesn't fix your pain.

it's like how Fortinbras wants to wage war on Denmark 'cause his father was killed by Old Hamlet.
i know it's fictional, but it's relevant.
Killing residents in Denmark isn't going to bring his father back to life.

Please someone explain how bringing other people down improves life.

v

i hope that whoever you are, you escape this place.
i hope that the world turns and that things get better,
but what i hope most of all is that you understand what i mean when i tell you that even though i do not know you and even though i may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, i love you.
with all my heart, i love you.

s

i associate the letter 's' with the colour red.

shalom

Peace is a term that most commonly refers to an absence of aggression, violence or hostility.

people claim to want peace, they use the symbol (☮) and speak the word.
then continue to slag other people off.
is that not a bit of a contradiction?

the abuse of the word has made it lose a lot of it's impact, and that's a shame.

school loves me.

me ~ *puts on shoulder bag over head, wearing it across body*
cath ~ 'ew katie! gross!'
me ~ 'what!? o; this is how you're supposed to wear them.'
cath ~ 'hmph, yuck' *looks at in disgust*

left unanswered.

i look at you.
i know you
don't i?
do i?
i look at her
i don't know her
do i?
don't i?
i hold my breath at count to twelve, not ten
not because i want to be different
because i need to
ten isn't long enough
it doesnt feel right to start breathing again.
not even when i get to twelve
but i let the air rush into my empty lungs
not because i need to
because i want to
i don't want to die
but i have the choice
choice is always there
that's something lost in translation
people have forgotten
you've forgotten me
haven't you?
have you?
you hear me
are you listening?
he loves her
does he care?
you're singing such strong words
do they mean anything to you?
she wants to know what's going on inside her girlfriends head
will she wish she'd never found out?
you ran from the very thing trying to save you
you ran into the arms of your killer.
you don't know it yet
do you?
don't you?
he sees everything
but does he notice any of it?

Driveway

when i walk to school there's a driveway i look down.
i notice the covered car, protected from the harsh frosts.
i notice the heavy curtains pulled firmly shut, to keep people inside warm.
i notice the cat outside, watching me as i watch it.
i notice the worn out concrete down the drive, from people traveling up and down so frequently.
i notice the muddy grass at the edges of the drive, where people cut corners walking to their car.
when i walk to school there's a driveway i look down
every day
without delay.

Compliment.

lavon - "katie, i like your hair today..."

me "thank yo --"

lavon cntd ".......you look sick. are you sick?"

me "...thanks.. i'm actually really well"

ahahahahahh,

at least my hair looked nice?

Peace.

New Zealand is 'the most peaceful country' of 2009 according to the global peace index.
i like that.
(:

this makes me happy. watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

"the inconvenience of indecision"


it's in my head.
i think i read it somewhere?
but i can't find it in anything i've been looking at.
;-;

DR

Well I don't know if I'm wrong, cause she's only just gone. Here's to another relationship bombed by excellent breed of gamete disease. I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means. Cried when she should and she laughed when she could, here's to the man with his face in the mud. And an overcast play just taken away from the lover's in love at the centre of stage. Yeah, loving is fine if you have plenty of time, for walking on stilts at the edge of your mind. Loving is good if your dick's made of wood and the dick left inside only half understood her. What makes her come and what makes her stay? What make the animal run, run away yeah. What makes him stall, what makes him stand and what shakes the elephant now and what makes a man?
I don't know, I don't know you any more. No...I don't know if I'm wrong 'cause shes only just gone. Why the fuck is this day taking so long? I was a lover of time and once she was mine I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed. Cried when she should and she laughed when she could. Well closer to god is the one who's in love and I walk away cause I can, too many options may kill a man. Loving is fine if it's not in your mind but I've fucked it up now, too many times. Loving is good if it's not understood, yeah, but I'm the professor and feel that I should know. What makes her come and what makes her stay? What make the animal run, run away and what makes him tick apart from his prick and the lonelier side of the jealousy stick.
I don't know
Well I don't know if I'm wrong 'cause she's only just gone. Here's to another relationship bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease. I finished it off with some French wine and cheese.
La fille danse quand elle joue avec moi et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots sur la petite dodo .

"You know who you are."

..what if they don't?

c:

im happy.
you're wonderful.
i'll always be here for you.

you don't care

i dont want to know all this. i don't want to know people value human's lives more than animals.
i don't like the quote " treat them like a dog". how do you think a dog deserves to be treated?
let's mix it up a bit. let's play with some letters. two letters. a g and a d. dog. it will now be god. and how will you treat it now? something real. reliable. there. god would not longer be a myth, everything in the bible could be true now. god, man's best four legged friend. how will you treat it? does it change anything?
does it deserve anything better?
what's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
so i guess not.
it's still loyal, it's still innocent, it's still eager to please.
it's still a dog.
and you still don't care.

Angry and Upset.

i'm sad and it's eating away at me.
i know why but it's nothing anyone cares about.
it's replaying in my head and i cant get rid of it.
it's making me evaluate everything.
and im sorry, im so sorry.
i feel sick. my eyes are raw.
i dont think they could possibly feel anymore sore.
 i don't know you well enough to want you to know the truth
to put that on your shoulders - anyones shoulders.
it's ironic, the person we care about most is the person we probably upset and worry the most.
i'm so sorry.

society

i've been thinking a lot and im not sure yet if what i've come to the conclusion of is good or bad. it's that all that /really/ matters in life is kindness, and respecting other people.

the society we've created is one of a lot of pressure and little success.

i want to live without stress, i want to know that if i don't pass level three at school, it doesn't mean that i've failed. i want to believe that if i've been good to the people i've met, and helped out where i can, that it matters. i know it does. i know that if i accept who i am, and accept the people around me for who they are and be open to everyone's opinions that i've lived a full life. helping other people makes me happy. i think that's the general consensus, and so i don't understand why people are cruel. not only does it not make the person being picked on sad, and the person being cruel usually feels at least a little bad after.i feel like i understand Christopher McCandless more and more each day. society frightens me. people are rich, and they don't spend all their money, but they don't help people who are living off a piece of bread every second day. jobs these days are based around fueling egos, not helping to maintain a healthy life.

i dont want a job. i don't want a television. i don't want one thousand friends. i don't want to hurt anyone ever again. i don't expect people to like me. i just want respect.i want to be able to live my life the way i want to. i want to be able to lay across two seats in a half empty bus and go to sleep while i'm waiting to get to my stop, without people asking me why. i want to be able to sit down abruptly on an empty footpath to admire the wildlife without having people bike past and call me homeless as if its something to be ashamed of.

i want to be free from society's judgement and rules.

(:

oma and opa's 50th anniversary today.
that's a long time to be together.
i'm pleased they still love eachother.

I suppose. If you squint your ears.

;

Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans. Want to rise to the occasion, meet all their demands. But all I do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers. Yeah I know I should be brave but I'm just too afraid of all this change. And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt. I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out.Working on the record seems pointless now. When the world ends who's gonna hear it? But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words, yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good. When you get off tour I think we should hang and black out together. Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by, all those summers singing, drinking, laughing, wasting our time. Remember all those songs and the way we smiled in those basements made of music? But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all, I'm not as strong as I thought. So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out. I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down. Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand. I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more.

Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going.

This is the first day of my life

glad i didn't die before i met you. but now i don't care i could go anywhere with you. and i'd probably be happy

i love you. i'm so proud of you. i feel really good right now. because of you. i'm like JJ, i get locked on. but unlike him, i don't realise it until i'm not anymore. you stop me from being locked on. you help me see what's important. you're important. our future is important. acceptance is important. love is important. other things aren't. school doesn't matter. stress doesn't matter. hate doesn't matter. gossip doesn't matter. those things get you nowhere. i love talking about it all with you. you understand. you're never going to have to sing gives you hell. i'll never leave you. i'll never betray you. i don't think it's possible. you're beautiful. and despite what you may think, you're intelligent too. you have a great way with words. your novels will do well. and i'll have them all in my bookshelf. whatever you do in your life, i'm here for you. i will support your every decision. in the unlikely event that i don't understand them, i'll let you explain. and i know you're there for me. you make me feel comfortable. you make me happy. our band will be as cool as us. thankyou (L)

talk with dad

i had a nice talk with my Dad the other night.
about what caused the recession, and the great depression.
about the 25th april 1915. (anzac)
about Hitler and WW2. About the Russians during WW2
i learnt Italy sided with Germany at the start.
it was nice.
i like talking about that kind of thing.
i like people teaching me in a way that doesn't make them sound like they're patronising me.
i hate war, but it's interesting.
hitler was an intelligent man.
with a talent for public speaking.
he commited suicide.
one man played with matches, he fueled an already raging fire and managed to start a war, he died on the 28th of april and germany surrendered may 8.
it makes me wonder how one man managed to keep all those people under his reign when they clearly didnt want to.
i guess you had to be there.
and if thats the price you have to pay to understand, i'd rather live without.

Thoughts

I need to stop biting the nail polish off my nails.

I should start my holiday homework.

And all the art i haven't started.

I stress because i haven't done my homework, and i haven't done my homework because i'm stressed.

i pretend it doesn't exist and it makes me feel better.

it's like when i pretend to be asleep if someone i don't know knocks on the door to my house.

it fixes everything. if only for a moment.

i like dreams, they're better than reality. i don't care about the fact that they're not real. w.e

i hate that someone i thought i liked continues to put me in situations that make me incredibly uncomfortable, around people i can't relate to, who give me looks of disapproval.

you're not my friend anymore if you don't stop.

i wish my family would listen to me.

if i've never spoken to you you're an unknown.

wouldn't that be easy?

if rumours, and gossip didn't spread to people you'd never met.

a friend of a friend of a cousin of a friend told you Lana's doing drugs.

Lana's sister's boyfriend's exe's friend's girlfriend is pregnant.

who really cares?

you don't know them

you've never spoken two words to them

you don't even know what they look like.

but somehow you know that she's considering abortion?

what the hell.

i don't want to know.

i wish i didn't know.

i've really started to think about what Carina said.

i just don't want to know all this shit.

i want to forget it all.

and start fresh.

i don't want you to talk to me if you're just going to ignore me three days later, or bitch about me to someone in a week.

i want new people. with nice attitudes. who aren't trying to impress.

i'm so sick of people fucking smoking.

fuck.

and i know people and care about people who have been seriously affected by smoking. who are dying because of smoking. so don't think shit about how i can't judge and critise people for choosing to start smoking now. people who know damn right how it has no benefits.

i dont want to lose the people i care about

but you know what?

i'm going to.

lifes a real kicker.

i was watching scrubs.

and it had some great irony in it.

a sixteen year old had a really weak immune system

and her mother wouldn't let her out of the house, in case she got sick

she said

"my mum's so afraid of me dying, she won't let me live"

i like that.

not in a way that is like "eheh :K you get no life"

but i like irony. it makes me think.

i don't love many people.

i like afew.

i'm impartial to most.

but i want everyone to be happy.

and it makes me sick when i see that people are sad.

i'm going to go to bed and read Catch-22 now.

-you should read it. it's good.

then take a long over due nights sleep.

i don't mean to sound so spiteful and angry and sad,

its just what i was thinking.

i'm actually quite content.

Lovely.

"You don’t need it every day

But sometimes don’t you just crave

To disappear within your mind

You never know what you might find

So come and spend some time with me

And we will spend it all at sea

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul

Please just leave me right here on my own

Later on you could spend some time with me

If you want to, all at sea."

Listen to Jamie Cullum. (L)

writers block?

i want someone to write a novel about a colony of cannibals.
but i don't want it to be a typical horror
i want to author to make the reader relate to the cannibals and care for them.
don't tell me i'm sick and twisted, it's just something i haven't read, or seen before.
i think it's a side that hasn't been acknowledged because of society's ingrained morals.

i love my life.

i'm cool.

ahahahah

i was going for the Smeagol look.

ಠ_ಠ

is it something i said, or need to say?

i wish i could hug you.

youre so close but i barely know you

i want to tell you i love you

but you'd probably just laugh or frown.

i have no idea how you'd react to any sign of affection i gave you.

so i don't.

but i wish i could.

i wish you knew i cared.

the last time i hugged you was probably a decent six years ago.

you pushed me away.

please stop ignoring me.

Anything and Everything.

listen to some

Kasey Smith

when you're feeling bleh.

he is wonderful

can someone i know please make their hair like his (L)

i was watching House, and it made me think. Is a person defined by what they think, or what they do, cause someone could be a real ass on the inside, but be nice to people. and vice versa.

what counts? is it always one or the other? or do people change the rules to make a person an ass no matter what, or a good person no matter what? or does it change with the weather?

i don't like when people tell me things they like about me in a style that reminds me of a poem, or some fancy novel, if it's not how they speak. it feels fake. say it like you're speaking. same goes for if you want to tell me the things you hate about me.

it bothers me when people i like smoke. it bothers me even more when they pretend they dont. it bothers me even more when they do a lousy job at getting rid of the smokey odour and then tell me they didn't just have a cigarette, but what bothers me most is when they do it well.

when i don't know they're smoking until someone else lets it slip.

it makes me feel stupid. it makes me feel like im not a good enough friend.

feelings are weird. this is why i don't acknowledge mine usually. this is why i don't bother to recognise how i feel. if i'm happy i know it, and if i'm not, i'm unaware to how i actually feel. why the hell would i try and find out what emotion it is. no good can come of it.

when i'm really reaaaalllly happy, i sometimes feel like i'm going to be sick. literally.

just briefly.

I KNOW I'M NOTHIN BUT SKIN AND BONES BUT I SURE THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

my lips are sore and red. like an indie's.

NOW WILL YOU LOVE ME.

fml. omg.
listen to Sophies Anorexia Story by Eleanor McEvoy.
so depressing. :l

:l

two years since Pat died.

Haligh.

HEY CARINA.
guess what? i was listening to that song, and i realised it does sort of the same thing as the Taylor Swift song.
like, it gets really passionate near the bit about 'you'd always be there, where are you now' and yeh.
ahahahaha
I LOVE IT >;KKKK
i wish there was a crazy face on here, cause thats what i'd use.

Intrigue.

So I went to the doctor today.

And I had a blood test.

It was amazing to watch.
It's not that I expected the blood to come out slowly, it's just that it came out so fast.

She filled the containers so quickly.

I think it was really interesting.

Riddle.

"I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?"

You know it's gonna be okay.

I dont understand how it happened.
But it seems like people don't like 'nice' anymore.
People befriend bitches, and shun kind people.
It's like people have to be funny, at the expence of someone else, for people to like them.
eh.
I like kind people.
Good people.
Who can make a joke without hurting someone.

goshdarnit.

I don't like it when people tell me their reasons and explanations.
I don't care what you're going to tell the teacher, because you didn't finish your homework.
I don't care about your reason for not liking me anymore, cuz what does it change?
I don't care why you're dating her, or dumping him.
I don't want to know about your little dramas.
:l

they stress me.

Listening to All Around the World - Oasis.

There are things I want, but I don't work for them.

There are things I don't want, but I do nothing to prevent them.

There are people I like, but I don't talk to them.

People have ideals I hate, but I don't tell them.

I have money, but I don't spend it.

I like a clean room, but I don't have one.

I know people dislike me, but I dislike knowing it.

I like the environment, but I want a car.

I tell myself I'll do exercise, but I never do.

I don't talk to many people, but I'm not lonely.

I am nowhere, and it's now.

I'm unmotivated, but I'm happy.

Thinking;

Part of my procrastination technique, but anywhoo
I was thinking, and it was about how people always seem to post things on their bebos, and myspaces, and facebooks, and whatnot, saying something like "i'm not even going to bother writing something about me on here, cuz you'll judge me by my pictures anyway, nothing else really matters, you won't read this"
but by not posting anything about themselves, they're only giving visitors to their page the option of judging them by their pictures, because the person's written nothing on their page to give them anything else to try and understand the person. ;-;
andddd, clearly the only people who have read that paragraph, are people who read it. you know? so obviously people do read it. everyone else wouldn't have even noticed it, so they might as well of had nothing.
so what i think people should do is either have information on their page about themselves, that they don't mind other people knowing, or don't complain about people judging them by their pictures, by writing that sort of sentence in the space where people are trying to know them.

hah, that's nice and confusing.

that reminds me.
it seems that whenever i try to get help with something i'm confused about, i end up making the person helping me as lost as i am. haha. sucks for me (:

David Tamaoka;

For now I listen to the sound of the jet plane, laughing at the frown on my sad face.

Listen to his music. It's lovely.

I am lost but I have found.

Katie; it's my name. but it doesn't seem right unless it's coming from certain peoples mouths.
i'm pretty blah at the moment.
I was going to see Carina today, but I'm sick so I can't.
I miss her.
And I miss Sophie. I haven't spoken to her in a while. :l
Some things are pretty shit;
There are people I consider/ed friends who don't listen when I'm talking to them.
It makes me so angry, and makes me feel like I'm worth shit all. Especially when it was something I really wanted to share with them.
I hate it more though, when it's my mum or dad not listening.
I'm over it. I'm sick of it.
No one bothers to hear me anymore.
Except maybe two people.

And the stupid music i'm listening to at the moment is making me sad :K
~my morning jacket - i needed it most .
;-; droany music.
it could be used for hypnotism.

haha. but everything will be good.
just need to change songs.

You're a Fool (:

when was the last time you looked in a mirror
cause you've changed.


bahbahbah, i'm so tired (:
im eating melon. yum
my hair is funny and i have a sprig thats flying up toward the moon.
i still have that basshunter cd.
need to give it back to Carina.

(Y)(Y)(Y)
i'm happy.

i saw you coming - now youre running - far away from here
another day youve passed away and i
can't wait to see that smile again




Kasey Smith is so wonderful
(:

The Grass is Greener on the Other Side.

The more I think, the more I wish,
that we could lay here for hours,
and just reminisce.

Good.

I swear I'm going to cry, I'm sick of trying to be tough.
you were considerate
and kind
and fair
and honest.
i met you once.
and i dont know if you were real
because how can anyone be that?
you seemed so genuine.
and it gave me hope
it made me smile.
because you weren't going along with everyone else
you weren't dishing out insults
you were paying compliments.
you want to be a doctor, because you want people to be happy and healthy.
i don't know if you're real.
but i sure hope so. and i hope that there are more people like you.
i know there are good people out there, that feel unappreciated, that don't know why they bother, but people do appreciate them. it's so nice to feel like someone actually gives a fuck.
that there's someone who doesn't automatically hate them because of something in their past.
prejudice is a bitch.
you're beautiful.

Time Travel.

I think it would be nice to go back to '99


When I was 3/4 I was jumping on my bed and I fell off and broke my wrist.
When I was 6ish I ran into the corner of a glass shelf in a store and cut my face right above my eye. Hah.When I was like 6 or 7 I went through a faze of saying "I were" and "You was"When I was 8, me and my friend almost got peed on by our other friend.
When I was 9, a mean boy broke my clearfile. Hahaha.
When I was 10, I had a ball kicked at me and I tripped on it and fell to the ground. Hah.
When I was 11, Carina and I almost got strangled to death- then pummeled with rocks by the boy that broke my clearfile.
When I was 12, Carina and I got out of class a lot by trying to teach the class bird to talk.
When I was 13, I was emo.
When I was 14/15 I stopped being friends with a few people, and it worked out well. For me.
When I was 16 my Mum asked me who I wanted as my guardian if she and my Dad died before I turned 18.

Sad / Happy / Embarrassing / Funny / Painful / Strange.
- whatever the emotion, these are things I remember.
And I will not let go of.

Hah.

I read other people's posts on these sorts of sites, and they're all deep and insightful,
and then I read mine, and my blogs on bebo, and they're like, stupid, and i don't know why /anyone/ would read them.
(Y)

i was watching Trading Spouses earlier, and there was one family (let's call them Lazy) who was like laid back, do what you want to do kinda family. And then another family ( Busy) was all sportfanatic, and busy busy busy.
anywho. busy mum was at Lazy's house and one of the kids got asked if they had any homework.
and it went a little something like this

~clears throat; American accent~
BusyMum: Have you got any homework you should be doing?
LazyGirl: Hah, um, -pause-, hah i guess i might have a bit of history.
BM: oh?
LG: hah, hahah, i'll just go get my backback then i guess, hah.
BM: -gives a weird look-
~a few minutes later; lazy girl strolls up~
LG: hah, hahahh. hah i guess i must have left my backpack at school. hah.
BM: hah.

it was funny
at the time

never ask me to tell you a story
cause they all end up like this.
shit.
ahahahh
im serious though. i couldn't recount a story interestingly to save my life.
:

ciao.