20/12

Let's take some deep breaths, the type that made us lightheaded.
How we used to do out on your deck on those sunny autumn mornings. When you'd look at me with that sparkle in your eye, that hope, that promise of something past tomorrow.
When you'd speak with such passion about everything you loved in the world, about all the things you wanted to help fix. You'd rest your hand on my knee, but I could see that fear, kid. I knew you were afraid. That I'd push it away, that I'd push you away. I'd smile, and you'd smile back. You told me one cold night of a favourite quote of yours; "I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful", but babe, I've never seen one quite as bright as yours.

something is not right.
something is wrong.
everything's slightly out of wack.
everyone's slightly out of wack.

i have quite a lot of anxiety about how people i like percieve me
as soon as i stop talking to a person at the end of a day i'll find faults in the way i acted, and in the things i said and manage to convince myself that they can't possibly still like me.
i then think about what i'm doing and i tell myself i'm being stupid, but i still can't shake the feeling.

19/11

im happy, and im happy that im happy.
i get confused sometimes. i think that there's something i should be worrying about, something that should prevent me from feeling good. but i know right now that i could let things get to me, i could find something to bring me down, but why not just enjoy this?
let's see where this takes me.

17/11

you've got it all figured out, don't you?
never tell me what you know.

14/11

i realised today, and more strongly tonight, that i'd do anything for her. i would go with her anywhere, not because it's the better of two options, but because it's the only option.
i wouldn't, i can't, .. exist without her. we've discussed it, it's frightening.

i wouldn't change the way we are for anything.

sometimes i wish i was a guy so i could walk around w no shirt on.

i do not believe in any god.
i certainly do not believe in the bible.
i do not believe in people who believe in god, and think finding another who cares as deeply for god as themselves is a must in a partner.

i would never not like someone for being or not being religious. theres more to a person than what they see in the hereafter.

count the number of ways youve said goodbye and contrast it with the few ways you say hello.
i like to think that im something else entirely. only not think it. just be it.
outside of myself. outside of everything. and all thats left is comfort.
i like that
if i like you, i will never seriously say goodbye.

i want to know how you're feeling
and what you're thinking.

everyone looks strange and different. am i changing or is the problem that im staying the same? i think if i fell into a coma for a fortnight, i'd wake up and not recognise anyone. progress. please stop, you're hurting my head. should i stop thinking? it would prevent me from worrying, from considering possible futures, however it would also make me oblivious to everything, and everyone, and i think i'm already on enough of a different wave length. sometimes i wish i was like the majority of other people my age - thinking about 'succeeding' in love, and education. but i can't. i don't care about that. i think the issue is that although i think about pressing matters, i fall short of applying them in my own life. of doing something that matters. i want to do something i'll remember next week. i want to make a decision so i can just follow some path to get there. my feet are frozen to the ground and im waiting for someone to do it for me. only if they try, i'll just tell them they're wrong, and refuse their help. i am not good at much. i am not good for much. im not sad. im not saying that, don't get me wrong, i just feel like im waiting. and i've realised that nothings going to start because i'm waiting for my future self to make a decision but the future will soon be the past, and that self still won't have made any progress. i'm going through the motions, but im not taking much in. im feel like ive dissappointed some people, and i hope that i'm wrong, but i don't think i am.

i want you to know that i will always love you. i want them to know i will always wish i hadn't lost contact with them. my world is becoming smaller and smaller, because im becoming worse and worse at small talk, and letting people in. you're safe. you're my safe spot

19/9

i don't remember the day we met.
i don't remember what you wore or what i said.
but i know that was the day there became a before and after for me.

breathe in deep and close your eyes. i want you to smile. i want you to mean it.
i want to see inside the minds of the people you speak to.
so i can protect you.
i want you to live.
i want to see you smile.

i think im afraid.
of any kind of bond with a person.
of everything.

i dont trust anyone.
with anything.

but i trust you with everything.

13/9

remember, those years ago.
when you said please, and i said no.

i was scared.

29/7

And the Piper advanced and the children followed,
And when all were in to the very last,
The door in the mountain-side shut fast.
Did I say, all? No! One was lame,
And could not dance the whole of the way;
And in after years, if you would blame
His sadness, he was used to say,—
"It's dull in our town since my playmates left!
I can't forget that I'm bereft
Of all the pleasant sights they see,
Which the Piper also promised me:
For he led us, he said, to a joyous land,
Joining the town and just at hand,
Where waters gushed and fruit-trees grew,
And flowers put forth a fairer hue,
And everything was strange and new;
The sparrows were brighter than peacocks here,
And their dogs outran our fallow deer,
And honey-bees had lost their stings,
And horses were born with eagles' wings:
And just as I became assured
My lame foot would be speedily cured,
The music stopped and I stood still,
And found myself outside the Hill,
Left alone against my will,
To go now limping as before,
And never hear of that country more!"

it's society, you know?
society
SOCIETY
SOCIETY.

25/5

I don't know what I think of you.
I see what you think I don't.
I listen to what you don't even think I hear.
I know. I know your secrets.
The ones you never told me.
After saying you share everything with me.
And I wonder.
I wonder what might have been.
What could be.
Look into the sky, he said, look up and pick a star, I'll take you there, he promised.
She found her favourite and looked back down to tell him.
He was gone.
He didn't return until she'd fallen into an endless slumber.
They say don't trust what you can't see.
But can you even trust the things you can see?
That's what makes us human, they say.
Trusting things that fall through.
no.
just please no.

13/5

Let me have the keys and you can take a rest. From one lifeless main street until the next. Who knows what there was to see. Before the light turned green. There's so much here to learn. The static or the silence don't know which is worse. The dial isn't broken that's the way it works. To the new professionals, irregular is normal. It'll all in how you pray. Not what needs to change.
Don't get comfortable. Don't be sensible. Swing with all you have. Stop me if you can.
Imagine we had canvas with our midnight cold. We'd dig our fingers in and then we'd watch the snow. Maybe i need stronger meds, don't let those feelings in. I can't get closer now. Matter's straight across and just for me to use. But theres always another choice, another way through. The notes of progress float along, over your candle song. The game is how you play, not who wears a ring.
Don't get comfortable. Don't be sensible. Swing with all you have. Stop me if you can.
I'm on the losing side. Not everytime. I'm gonna lose this love of mine. Here are the words to find. Not one is mine. Why are we still so afraid? The things we do deserve their rightful names.

I was reading something that mentioned faith and jesus.

I don't believe in any sort of god. Or any sort of after life.

Not because I hate the bible, or think if god was real he/she/it'd do something about the unbalanced wealth and wellbeing of countries.

But because I find it impossible to believe that there's something mystical in the universe.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a beautiful place and thinking about life on other planets is amazing. But in my opinion we're all just atoms that make connections, and when we die those connections fall apart, and sometimes I feel good thinking about that, it's a relief. I love my life, but I don't want to be immortal.

I'd like to exist outside of reality, looking in, watching people scatter about. I like observing, not participating. I love seeing how different people react to the same situation. So I spend a lot of time daydreaming about reincarnation and the like, even though I don't believe in it, because I wish it was real.

27/4

I don't want to do anything. I don't care enough. Don't talk about things that are easy. Nothing's ever easy for everyone. Success is a word tainted by society, it has nothing to do with business but it sure as hell seems to these days. I'm sorry that I'm not what I was, what you think I still am. You'll wake up one day and realise I've changed, that what I've been telling you is true.

I want to breathe backwards just so I'm not like you.

8/4

my toes are cold but my feet are warm. i'm finding contradictions in synonyms.

i was waiting for you to get it.
i still am.

23/3

i want to sit on a roof at night and drink tea. i want to watch the rain fall down around me.
gather up your things. the light is peeking under the door. the clouds are breaking away. do you always follow their lead?

22/3

the sea is green and the sky is sad. why are you here? don't leave. you are the sunrise, but somehow you've set. i see beauty but all you hear are lies. your hands are cold, they're burning me. your cup of tea sits on the coffee table, it's leaving a ring. where are you? i blink and you're gone. your hands are still in mine, they're still. i want to make you laugh.

My eyelids are a time machine
They take me to the future.
When I shut my eyes, I see you.

18/3

My chest is constricting.
You're too close.
There's condensation on the window.
Think of flying away,
It'll ground you.
The clock reads 23:25
Time doesn't exist when you've escaped.
Count on your toes.
Think on your feet.
See with your ears.
Hear with your heart.
Hold me tight.
You're not close enough.

21/2

The window's open and the air is muggy.
You sit next to me.
Quietly.
Take my hand.
Look at me.
I can't see myself in your eyes.

14/2

raise your voice. get upset. cry.
just remember to love me.

i'm looking for an answer but i haven't even figured out the question yet.
my future does not look bright. it's dim. blurry.
who am i? what do i even want?
i need to find an outlet. something to be passionate about.
because at the moment everything's passing me by, and i don't care.