I suppose. If you squint your ears.

;

Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans. Want to rise to the occasion, meet all their demands. But all I do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers. Yeah I know I should be brave but I'm just too afraid of all this change. And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt. I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out.Working on the record seems pointless now. When the world ends who's gonna hear it? But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words, yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good. When you get off tour I think we should hang and black out together. Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by, all those summers singing, drinking, laughing, wasting our time. Remember all those songs and the way we smiled in those basements made of music? But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all, I'm not as strong as I thought. So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out. I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down. Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand. I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more.

Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going.

This is the first day of my life

glad i didn't die before i met you. but now i don't care i could go anywhere with you. and i'd probably be happy

i love you. i'm so proud of you. i feel really good right now. because of you. i'm like JJ, i get locked on. but unlike him, i don't realise it until i'm not anymore. you stop me from being locked on. you help me see what's important. you're important. our future is important. acceptance is important. love is important. other things aren't. school doesn't matter. stress doesn't matter. hate doesn't matter. gossip doesn't matter. those things get you nowhere. i love talking about it all with you. you understand. you're never going to have to sing gives you hell. i'll never leave you. i'll never betray you. i don't think it's possible. you're beautiful. and despite what you may think, you're intelligent too. you have a great way with words. your novels will do well. and i'll have them all in my bookshelf. whatever you do in your life, i'm here for you. i will support your every decision. in the unlikely event that i don't understand them, i'll let you explain. and i know you're there for me. you make me feel comfortable. you make me happy. our band will be as cool as us. thankyou (L)

talk with dad

i had a nice talk with my Dad the other night.
about what caused the recession, and the great depression.
about the 25th april 1915. (anzac)
about Hitler and WW2. About the Russians during WW2
i learnt Italy sided with Germany at the start.
it was nice.
i like talking about that kind of thing.
i like people teaching me in a way that doesn't make them sound like they're patronising me.
i hate war, but it's interesting.
hitler was an intelligent man.
with a talent for public speaking.
he commited suicide.
one man played with matches, he fueled an already raging fire and managed to start a war, he died on the 28th of april and germany surrendered may 8.
it makes me wonder how one man managed to keep all those people under his reign when they clearly didnt want to.
i guess you had to be there.
and if thats the price you have to pay to understand, i'd rather live without.

Thoughts

I need to stop biting the nail polish off my nails.

I should start my holiday homework.

And all the art i haven't started.

I stress because i haven't done my homework, and i haven't done my homework because i'm stressed.

i pretend it doesn't exist and it makes me feel better.

it's like when i pretend to be asleep if someone i don't know knocks on the door to my house.

it fixes everything. if only for a moment.

i like dreams, they're better than reality. i don't care about the fact that they're not real. w.e

i hate that someone i thought i liked continues to put me in situations that make me incredibly uncomfortable, around people i can't relate to, who give me looks of disapproval.

you're not my friend anymore if you don't stop.

i wish my family would listen to me.

if i've never spoken to you you're an unknown.

wouldn't that be easy?

if rumours, and gossip didn't spread to people you'd never met.

a friend of a friend of a cousin of a friend told you Lana's doing drugs.

Lana's sister's boyfriend's exe's friend's girlfriend is pregnant.

who really cares?

you don't know them

you've never spoken two words to them

you don't even know what they look like.

but somehow you know that she's considering abortion?

what the hell.

i don't want to know.

i wish i didn't know.

i've really started to think about what Carina said.

i just don't want to know all this shit.

i want to forget it all.

and start fresh.

i don't want you to talk to me if you're just going to ignore me three days later, or bitch about me to someone in a week.

i want new people. with nice attitudes. who aren't trying to impress.

i'm so sick of people fucking smoking.

fuck.

and i know people and care about people who have been seriously affected by smoking. who are dying because of smoking. so don't think shit about how i can't judge and critise people for choosing to start smoking now. people who know damn right how it has no benefits.

i dont want to lose the people i care about

but you know what?

i'm going to.

lifes a real kicker.

i was watching scrubs.

and it had some great irony in it.

a sixteen year old had a really weak immune system

and her mother wouldn't let her out of the house, in case she got sick

she said

"my mum's so afraid of me dying, she won't let me live"

i like that.

not in a way that is like "eheh :K you get no life"

but i like irony. it makes me think.

i don't love many people.

i like afew.

i'm impartial to most.

but i want everyone to be happy.

and it makes me sick when i see that people are sad.

i'm going to go to bed and read Catch-22 now.

-you should read it. it's good.

then take a long over due nights sleep.

i don't mean to sound so spiteful and angry and sad,

its just what i was thinking.

i'm actually quite content.

Lovely.

"You don’t need it every day

But sometimes don’t you just crave

To disappear within your mind

You never know what you might find

So come and spend some time with me

And we will spend it all at sea

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul

Please just leave me right here on my own

Later on you could spend some time with me

If you want to, all at sea."

Listen to Jamie Cullum. (L)

writers block?

i want someone to write a novel about a colony of cannibals.
but i don't want it to be a typical horror
i want to author to make the reader relate to the cannibals and care for them.
don't tell me i'm sick and twisted, it's just something i haven't read, or seen before.
i think it's a side that hasn't been acknowledged because of society's ingrained morals.

i love my life.

i'm cool.

ahahahah

i was going for the Smeagol look.

ಠ_ಠ

is it something i said, or need to say?

i wish i could hug you.

youre so close but i barely know you

i want to tell you i love you

but you'd probably just laugh or frown.

i have no idea how you'd react to any sign of affection i gave you.

so i don't.

but i wish i could.

i wish you knew i cared.

the last time i hugged you was probably a decent six years ago.

you pushed me away.

please stop ignoring me.

Anything and Everything.

listen to some

Kasey Smith

when you're feeling bleh.

he is wonderful

can someone i know please make their hair like his (L)

i was watching House, and it made me think. Is a person defined by what they think, or what they do, cause someone could be a real ass on the inside, but be nice to people. and vice versa.

what counts? is it always one or the other? or do people change the rules to make a person an ass no matter what, or a good person no matter what? or does it change with the weather?

i don't like when people tell me things they like about me in a style that reminds me of a poem, or some fancy novel, if it's not how they speak. it feels fake. say it like you're speaking. same goes for if you want to tell me the things you hate about me.

it bothers me when people i like smoke. it bothers me even more when they pretend they dont. it bothers me even more when they do a lousy job at getting rid of the smokey odour and then tell me they didn't just have a cigarette, but what bothers me most is when they do it well.

when i don't know they're smoking until someone else lets it slip.

it makes me feel stupid. it makes me feel like im not a good enough friend.

feelings are weird. this is why i don't acknowledge mine usually. this is why i don't bother to recognise how i feel. if i'm happy i know it, and if i'm not, i'm unaware to how i actually feel. why the hell would i try and find out what emotion it is. no good can come of it.

when i'm really reaaaalllly happy, i sometimes feel like i'm going to be sick. literally.

just briefly.

I KNOW I'M NOTHIN BUT SKIN AND BONES BUT I SURE THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

my lips are sore and red. like an indie's.

NOW WILL YOU LOVE ME.

fml. omg.
listen to Sophies Anorexia Story by Eleanor McEvoy.
so depressing. :l

:l

two years since Pat died.