i just ache a lot right now, and i didn't want to say it because i thought maybe it would go away but its not and so this is where i settle. writing it down. maybe explaining it will lead to accepting it?
with my pills i go to sleep and struggle, my collar bones feel as if they're bending and i change position to relieve them only the sudden removal of pressure is like the final straw. i wake up, sore shoulders; they get this feeling in them i'd never experienced before arthritis so i don't know how to explain it. it's like, my arm falls out of place, and while it's gone walk about, a nerve fills the empty space, only then my arm snaps back and the nerve gets caught and it's a sharp, hot pain that lasts until i manage to find the right way to grind my arm back out and get the nerve away. it's not relief though, it's just different. what was sharp and hot turns to dull and heavy, i really have no words to describe it other than that, but after a good half an hour it fades and mutates into the bad growing pains of your teenage years - or maybe toothache, only it's accompanied by this warm sensation. you know when you go to bed with sunburn? not when the blankets rub your skin, it's not that, it's when your body heat seems to be radiating and absorbing, it's that and growing pains. my wrists, knees are similar. parts of my spine feel bruised. when i forget my pills my ankles join in and everything is worse, deeper. it all certainly reminds me why i don't want to live to an old age.
and so i'm taking those pain pills on top of the other things right? the panadol and codeine ones? only you're not supposed to stay on them for long and i think it's got a part to play in my feeling funny sometimes - maybe not, and you mentioned they eventually ruin your stomach and i suppose i sort of figured they would. but what else am i supposed to do, my medication that feels like injecting potent alcohol into my flesh, the one causing me to so easily get bruises and making me susceptible to cancers, is no longer working right, my doctor doesn't seem too concerned and i don't care what those cards in that restaurant say, hope isn't any better.
with my pills i go to sleep and struggle, my collar bones feel as if they're bending and i change position to relieve them only the sudden removal of pressure is like the final straw. i wake up, sore shoulders; they get this feeling in them i'd never experienced before arthritis so i don't know how to explain it. it's like, my arm falls out of place, and while it's gone walk about, a nerve fills the empty space, only then my arm snaps back and the nerve gets caught and it's a sharp, hot pain that lasts until i manage to find the right way to grind my arm back out and get the nerve away. it's not relief though, it's just different. what was sharp and hot turns to dull and heavy, i really have no words to describe it other than that, but after a good half an hour it fades and mutates into the bad growing pains of your teenage years - or maybe toothache, only it's accompanied by this warm sensation. you know when you go to bed with sunburn? not when the blankets rub your skin, it's not that, it's when your body heat seems to be radiating and absorbing, it's that and growing pains. my wrists, knees are similar. parts of my spine feel bruised. when i forget my pills my ankles join in and everything is worse, deeper. it all certainly reminds me why i don't want to live to an old age.
and so i'm taking those pain pills on top of the other things right? the panadol and codeine ones? only you're not supposed to stay on them for long and i think it's got a part to play in my feeling funny sometimes - maybe not, and you mentioned they eventually ruin your stomach and i suppose i sort of figured they would. but what else am i supposed to do, my medication that feels like injecting potent alcohol into my flesh, the one causing me to so easily get bruises and making me susceptible to cancers, is no longer working right, my doctor doesn't seem too concerned and i don't care what those cards in that restaurant say, hope isn't any better.
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