frequently i am greeted with the phrase 'you'll have to speak up, i can't hear you'.
frequently i am told not repeating myself is rude, that saying 'nevermind, it doesn't matter' is equivalent to a slap in the face.
some people have small voices and being told 'speak up, i can't hear you' when you're already trying so hard to do exactly that, is a slap in the face.
i am quiet. i don't repeat myself.

you never looked at me like you wanted something from me. and i only see that in hindsight.

sometimes i wonder if chasing you away was a mistake.

you choose not to ask when i can't speak and that makes me sad. 

i am naive to think the males i spend time with are my friends. as soon as they realise i'm not going to fuck them they'll stop following me around. this is what i'm told and i'm offended. i'm obvious about not wanting people to touch me, i literally dodge any approaches. mostly what offends me though is that it seems these people don't believe my character is worthy of friendship.

i miss you and knowing how much more beautiful everyone in your life is than me hurts me in irrational ways. you deserve them and happiness but it's like a harsh reminder that i would have never stayed, that you were always a lot better than me, could always do a lot better than me. i'm ugly inside and out and my insecurity only amplifies it.

i'm so far from okay with it. i feel vulnerable and violated.

let's be honest

the closest you'll ever get to knowing me is knowing i'm lying.

like my legs were broken you know? at first i didn't move - just spent days crying in bed, then slowly i was encouraged to leave my room, to put pressure on my fractures and it hurt more than anything i've experienced and now it's been eight months and those bones never healed. i walk on them yes but they will never be the same. i function without you but it's a struggle and it hurts and everything is a butt tonne harder.

Six months and I miss every. fucking. thing.

Deep wounds find frightful ways of masking their intensity. The smallest of sights fracture the lie. These remnants, they twist and ache, they weep as they look upon the abyss, the depth of this perplexing absence of everything, of anything. Breathe deep, swallow hard, keep moving.

i don't think i ever deserved you. reading your texts i saved makes it abundantly clear how kind and loving you have been to me, and projects starkly my own withdrawal. i have been unwilling to show you how much i care because it appeared to me to be a weakness, i trust you but i couldn't bring myself to admit the full truth of my feelings, to fully express myself, even if only to myself. and i miss you already. and i'm scared. and so much of me wants to take Saturday back. i don't know what i'm doing.

fate and advice

j. worse comes to worst, close up everytime somebody wants a discount

k. fetal position in the corner with the 'back in 5' sign up?

j. it's what you were put on this earth to do.